Monday, December 15, 2008

Coming Out Of The Dark Closet…..

Me and my mother,like sometimes we did and do,went for a walk in the park together.My mother has gone through alot because of me,but has never stopped loving me.Unlike others,who leave or loathe their parents for not accepting their orientation,my love for my mother is unconditional(until and unless she’s not telling me that I should sacrifice anyone else for her…haha).So, aswe were walking around in the park,we had a desultory talk in which she explained to me that I could tell her anything,since she’s already been through so much because of me.I took this opportunity and explained to her that I might have attarction towards women and men both.At that time I wasnt sure if I was gay or bisexual.And also I told her that I was having doubts about Islam.She was,obiously,disappointed.And tried to overlook the reality.She explained that this feeling that I was having towards my own gender would go away and it should be just a platonic one.To establish her point she went on to tell me that in her class there used to be these girls who used to cry for teachers and loved them because they were their favourite.Her desperation to somehow turn be staright was palpable.But I wasnt going to,since I couldnt.I gave her an immense amount of good research,over the time,in favour of homosexuality.I even tried to change her mind b introducing her to ijtihad(Islamic free reasoning) and that using it,Islam and Homosexuality could be reconciliated.But no! She wouldnt accept anything and turned her deaf ear to all my exlanation which I gave her every now and then.Then one day I recieved the email that my brother had sent me from Glasgow to give me an elder brother’s advise on how to be aware of those disgusting homosexuals,since I was moving to an all-boy’s school from co-education.I took this opportunity to tell him the truth about my bisexuality,which he didnt like either.Since then my whole family knows(maybe excluding one of my sisters,since she’s married and wasnt there when all of this happened).One of my sister think I am gay and that there’s no difference between bisexuals and gays and she even makes fun of my orientation and taunts me when we have a fight.My whole family is homophobiac.And my mother think gays are hijras(eunuchs),thanks to the media,especially that Nadia Khan of the Nadia Khan Show,who is one hell of an extremist.But I have decided.I have to stand for my orientation,even if it means leaving my family,although I’ll be a zombie without their love and them.Millions of people have gone through,are going through and will go through because of homophobia,misunderstanding of connotation of the owrd ‘gay’,and lack of education and tolerance.I have to be their voice.At this time anonymously ,maybe.But one day I’ll have a name and a title which will be able to influence others.And I’ll use it influence people and spread tolerance towards LGBT community,Hopefully….And anyway, I have always been giving my voice to minority,like secularists and repressed religious minorities of Pakistan,so why not my own community.Even if it mean my own life,because its better that I get killed than be frightened to death by these intolerant Mullahs and stupid and idiotic taboos of our society.My freedom from my Pakistani society or even my life for the freedom of others means nothing less to me then what Koran and Bible mean to Muslims and Christians ,repectively.The purpose to narrate my story here is not to scar you from coming out.But to encourage you.Even Hitler had his supporters.So be content with you orientation and stop worrying about what others will think,because if you’ll lose them it’ll be for your own betterment,since you’ll find others,who’ll be ready to accept your orientation as a part of you.Its not the quantity but the quality of you family which matters.And sometimes its better to leave the family that created you to create a family yourself,for the liberation of others and yourself.But the choice is yours.I am always here to be your friend and advise you and help you.Thank You

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